Poisonous

                                   

Tonight, you'd stare at your mother with so much disgust; sparks of anger burning in the black of your eye. You'd wonder why she had to choose your Father of all other men. Why she had to put herself through all this stress when she could have just left him at an earlier stage.

While you're thinking this, your brothers would mistakenly hit your leg while playing their mock fights games, and you'd snap and shout at them than necessary, you'd wish to break their bones and smash their heads; teaching them what a real fight is.

"Yehhhh, my head ooo!" You'd blink to find your little brother clutching the right side of his head, with blood running down his chubby fingers.

You would stand- transfixed, bewildered, awed. Any word that could best explain the confusion you'd feel as to how your limbs subconsciously acted out your imaginations without your awareness.

You would run out of the house into the streets. You'd walk and walk and keep on walking until you find yourself seated on the demarcation placed in the middle of a two-way road.

You'd clench your fist and unclench it.

You'd breathe

In, out

In, out

I. N, O. U. T

Passerbys would cast suspicious glances at you, drivers would slow their vehicles to peer closely at you. But, you would not mind. You'd just focus on breathing more.

But this rage you feel, it has built a nest in your head, it comes and goes whenever it pleases.

Now you'd understand your Father's plight. That bitterness is a deadly moth that eats through the fabric of one's fortitude.

 This bitterness, it engulfs your soul, it infiltrates your senses, it controls every fiber of your being.

This bitterness consumes you from the inside, it renders you powerless, it propels every ticking emotions in you.

This bitterness holds every resentment and pain that you hold against your being, your creator, your parents, your friends, your choices, your fears, your limitations, your actions and inactions.

 This bitterness encompasses you till all you feel is pain and anger.

You'd understand the struggle your father went through; trying to resuscitate his happiness through the smile on your faces. Trying to be the best husband and father he could possibly be. But he failed, countless times that all you could say of him was having a heartless man as a Father.

It'd dawn on you that Mother would have thought she could heal him, that her love would be enough for the both of them. Just the way your lover thought the same thing too.

"You don't understand, i can't date you. There's so many dark clouds around me that I can't even see a ray of light"

"Never say never, I'll be your light, I'll hope for you, I'll love you until you have the courage to lift those clouds"

Your lover's words before he got to find out the intensity of your darkness. But you said no still and broke his barely-surviving heart.

 Now, he calls you a coward undeserving of his love and Last week he dared you to commit suicide.

He'd later call to apologise countless times, but your heart had already been hardened by bitterness. You'd not be able to forgive him, you'd never be able to forgive your Father, you'd never be able to forgive yourself for refusing to forgive your loved ones.

Time is ticking. So are you. How much longer before you become a monster?

Prayers would not work because bitterness had broken your faith.

Words won't suffice, bitterness sieves the message for you. You'd only see what justifies your emotions and reactions.

You'd stay away from friends, you'd recoil into your shell but you'd never be able to explain how poisonous you are to the world.

©Blackmoon