Don't!

It is funny how we make a decision not to do something and somehow down the line we throw our decisions to the wind not once but repeatedly.

I have always believed myself to be a lover of life. No one and nothing can ever make me want to end my life for any reason but somehow in 300 level, I found myself contemplating suicide. This didn't just happen once but three bloody times. Whenever I’m at the edge of letting go, something or rather someone is always there to stop me.

Let me walk you through my university days and what led to my failed suicide attempts.

I got admitted into a well-known private school here in Lagos to study Mass Communication; four years and I will be done with school. I had already planned my life— to be invisible through-out my stay in school, earn myself a first class and keep the circle of my friends as small as possible. Trust me, I pulled it off. 100 level, my invincibility skill was top notch. I kept to myself a lot and I’m sure that if at all I had succeeded in taking my life, not a single soul would have noticed apart from my roommates. 200 level, same old, same old. I worked my out my ass to maintain my grade and I did with the help of God (I can’t forget that).

I had managed to cross out everything from my plan or so I thought. It was on the 15th of March, a Wednesday after lectures. My lecturer, Prof. Alade, was putting on a black trouser, striped t-shirt with a black tie, a black pair of socks and shoe and also his glasses (that he seems to never do without). I’m sure you are wondering how the hell I still remember. I do and I always will because that was when everything turned around for me.

He brought out a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and read out a list of matric numbers. If your number was mentioned, you were expected to meet him in his office concerning your grades and as the universe would have it, out of the eight numbers he called, mine was included. I was the 6th number he called. After my normal routine— going for lectures and going to the library, I decided to go to his office (better now than never). I got to his office at exactly 4:00.

His table was littered with various things from examination scripts to letters, notes, textbooks and handouts. Looking back, I think I should have noticed that some things were wrong starting from his smile to his voice or the look in his eyes but no, I didn’t. I can still remember his voice till this very day, “either you do it or your scripts will get missing. You will get a carryover and your perfect grade will amount to nothing. It’s left to you”. I was ready to walk out of there, in fact I already saw myself walking out but what happened next, I never saw it coming. He pinned me down on his table, on top of the whole mess and he slammed into me repeatedly. I begged and screamed. I pleaded with his conscience and the last thread of humanity he had left but it all fell on deaf ears. A man old enough to me my father!

I was a virgin when it happened. You can imagine the pain and how worthless I felt. I should have reported or done something but things like this are never taken seriously if there is no proof or if the perpetrator holds a high position and he did. For months, I was empty. I couldn’t sleep without pills because of my constant dreams. It became difficult for me to separate the past from the present especially when I closed my eyes.

Then my attempts started. I was never going to leave a note saying goodbye because I can imagine how painful it would be for whoever finds it. I was just going to do it and get it over with. Whenever I’m at the edge, just about to cross the line, I hear a voice so subtle just like the whisper of the wind “Don’t. Your life is not over yet”, with feather like hands holding me back. I believe it was my guardian angel.

Now, I’m in my final year and my final exams are fast approaching. I’m on the edge and always in constant fear of the unknown. Until I walk out the gates of this school never to come back will I ever feel better, no matter how little.

(C) Titi Okungbowa